It's Not All About Them...

In 2005 a woman named Ayelet Waldman wrote an article for the New York Times (to read the original article click here).  It created quite a stir simply because she wrote:

"I love my husband more than I love my children."

In fact, it created such a stir that she was interviewed on Oprah. This is where I first heard Ayelet's idea of what it means to be a "bad mother".  I loved it so much I recorded it to DVD and later shared it with my MOPS group.  It's a message that's been stirring in my heart for six years. 

Valentines Day always brings up thoughts and convictions that I've pondered since reading her article.  Generally speaking as a society, we have allowed the center of our romantic love to be moved from our husband to our children.  The world which once revolved around the love of our lives, now suddenly orbits around multiple precious yet demanding little ones.  I am certain this transition happens gradually over time and often it happens so slowly both partners are unaware of the shift.  However in the gentle tilting of the scales, the relationships become unbalanced and the romantic love that God intended specifically for our husband is drained in lieu of the consuming care of our children.  In the younger years it's diapering, breastfeeding, nap schedules and gymboree and as they grow it's constant carpools to school, sporting events, ballet, gymnastics, homework etc, etc, etc.  The list goes on and on. 

And then they leave home...

I often dream of the day that we wave good bye to your youngest and though it is filled with bitter sweet emotion I can't help thinking that I will be mostly filled with the joy and excitement of having him to myself once again.

Even now, amidst the draining years of tending to preschoolers I don't want to let my husband become a stranger to me.  I want my children to see the adoration I have for their father and to desire a love like we have when they grow older.  I want them to say "eeewww" when we kiss goodbye, and to roll their eyes when our parting embrace lasts a little longer than normal.  I want them to know that it's not all about them!

So this Valentines Day do something sweet for your SweetHeart and take a moment to asses the relationships in your life.  Your time and energy reflect your priorities, so go ahead and be a "bad mom"!

When He's Gone...

This week, he's gone. I really don't like it when he's gone. I know that he's there doing great things, and helping to further the Kingdom; but I miss him so much.

A wedding day is so full of unknowns. You stand there on that day all fancied up, exchanging rings, and words and promises and lighting candles that symbolize the unity. Preacher says the "two will become one flesh" and you smile with the joy of being the half of this whole new you. And yet you don't realize exactly what it means...

It means that when he's gone you ache.

When he's away, you can't sleep.

When he's not here, you aren't either... not fully.

Interesting isn't it? I wonder if this is how Adam felt, when God noted that "It's not good for man to be alone..."

And so I pray. And I wait. And life moves on, and so we live it.

We will welcome him home soon and when he arrives we will have made ready his castle. And dear friends, I will be ready!

Man Monday

My husband does the dishes after dinner.  Please, don't be envious, and yes, I know how blessed I am.  There are exceptions, but generally I cook and he cleans; this has been our pattern.  He loves a neat and tidy home.  I do too, at least in theory.  Sometimes I wish I could walk into the house and see it with his eyes.  If I could, maybe I would "see" the clutter that drives him crazy!
This problem of differing levels of "comfortable clutter" is one that a lot of people face. Just to take a poll, I placed a question on my facebook status. I was astounded at the number of comments.  Typically you marry someone who is not identical to you in every way.  Though mostly this is very good, sometimes it can lead to frustration.

So what can we do about it?

1. Check on it.  If you are like my husband and I, the conversation comes up naturally about every 2-3 months. (And when I say naturally I mean it's a part of our "communication cycle"! more on that later...)  I will make mention though that letting it come up naturally is not the best option because the topic is usually brought up from a frustration.  If I've learned anything from our 8 years of marriage it's this: in order to avoid a major conflict, we need to have routine "check ups".  Take time to discuss what you appreciate about one another and what you would like to see improve.  It can be difficult, but very worthwhile.

2.  Learn the language.  The love language is important, but also learn the language they speak. 
  Figure out ways to say what you mean in an uplifting and encouraging way. 
  Use I statements rather than You statements so that in the difficulty blame is not placed. 
  Knowing how to say what you need is almost as important as knowing what to say in the first place!

3. Be Honest.  This may be the hardest and though it has it's own bullet point, it's very much intertwined with the two above points.  When you are communicating with you spouse it's imperative that you use discretion.  However there are times when truth and honesty will hurt.  It's in these times that you wrap truth in love and gently communicate with honest words.

4. Break it up.  Take note of your patterns of communication.  (He says this, so you respond that way, which makes him do such and such and then you both, you know...)  These negative patterns occur naturally and CAN be broken at any point in the cycle.  If you are aware of the cycle, YOU can change it. Take the initiative to respond differently.  Imagine his surprise when you don't react in the normal way!

Each day is an opportunity to learn.  Today as I give my husband a kiss for the gleaming kitchen I pray that you not only find a reason to kiss your man, but an opportunity to learn together.

Happy Mothers Day

I

Am

Blessed

Mystery Date

"The Box" arrived in the mail, two days before Valentines. I set it on the dresser, with no explanation. He didn't ask, I didn't tell. I was curious to see what he would think, my man of few words, of this mystery date that I had planned. I know not to plan too big of surprises for him, as he doesn't like surprises. The problem is I LOVE THEM! So, I kept things a secret. For me!

The date began on a Sunday night, not the best timing for us as it's a work day for the hubby, but you take what you can get... He finished his meeting at around 7:30pm, and we kissed the kids goodbye for the night. (side note: what a blessing to be able to send them into the loving arms of Papa & Nini!)

We got in the car and decided to go out to our favorite Thai food restaurant for dinner. Pot sticker and Drunken Noodle full to the brim, we headed for home. (It's a sure sign that we have three children 5 and under when going to bed at 10pm sounds more appealing than going to a free movie! ) We settled in for a night of uninterrupted sleep.


My eyes popped open at 6:30 like clockwork. ~sigh~ I may be awake, but I DON'T have to get up! Letting the man sleep as long as possible was the goal, but he too was awake and ready for the day. I asked him where his favorite spot was in Rancho Cordova. He said the Waffle Shop. "Okay, Waffle Shop it is!" I decided to tell him about the 1000 dates project and let him know a bit of what was ahead of us that morning.


So we enter the Waffle Shop surrounded by the locals on a Monday morning, the sun was shining brightly and I was full of anticipation to open the box! He didn't know what was inside, and I had only a glimpse of what was in there from Kathi's blog. We order, and I can't stand the anticipation much longer... so we decided to open it.

Inside was:

Coffee (he had already ordered some, and I don't drink it!)

Creamer/Sugar (he takes it black)

Biscotti (mmmmm)

Two Candles (oops, no matches)

and stir sticks....

"Hmmm, I thought there was supposed to be something else." I thought to myself. I thought for sure there were supposed to be instructions in there... maybe we missed them! So, being the thorough man he is, he took the box apart. Nope, no instructions. Our food came and I told him this was just the first part of the date anyway...whew, good improvising!

We had a FANTASTIC breakfast, and not because it was good food, but because whenever I have time to sit and talk with my amazing husband he never ceases to amaze me. His heart for God and knowing his purpose and calling woos me. I fall in love with him all over again. He doesn't know it, but his strength is what keeps me going most days. Knowing I will get hold his hand and to see his face smiling back at me over our family dinner table, drives me to be a better woman of God.

We finish our breakfast and I take him to a local used book store. We wander the stacks for about an hour, something we don't get to do with kids in tow! He finds the sports section and reads about the history of basketball, while I skim the children's books remembering stories from my childhood as I scan the yellowed pages of books like Mrs. Piggle Wiggle's Magic. I also get lost in the pages of "Ballet Shoes", and the thought that I've never read this series of books by Noel Streatfield pains me. They are so sweet, and they bring up memories of Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan) sitting in a Fox Books, teary and spelling Streatfield for someone looking for the "Shoe books"... it was a lovely morning.

As I mentioned the sun was shining brightly so, what better way to spend the day than with a hot cup of coffee and studying Hebrew???... yep, the next stop on our romantic date (after stopping by the house and printing off the instructions mind you!) Was our favorite local Starbucks. We sat on the patio, me in the sun, him in the shade poised for deep conversations and aforementioned studying.

I then pulled out the paper with the mysterious instructions, and it said simply this: State three reasons why you still love each other. It was sweet. Sweeter than the chocolate dipped biscotti. We say "I love you" a lot each day, but to state why we love each other is not something we do as frequently. So we giggled a bit, stated our reasons and I smiled as the young teenager at the table nearby snickered and walked away. Maybe someday she will understand that when he says "I love you because you are an amazing mother to our children." he has paid me one of the greatest compliments I could ever receive. If she's lucky she'll know that when he says "I love you because our dreams for the future are so compatible." it means more than that, it means we are connected spiritually and are going the same direction; we are equally yoked, and that is the key to a good marriage. She might, when the time is right realize that she has got it good when he still loves her "because you work so hard to make our house a home."

We finished our date, and I left him to study more while I went grocery shopping. Sometimes even in the normalcy of life, we see the beauty of it all. What seemed like an ordinary date, was a time to appreciate, to dream and to plan. What a blessing to be united in marriage with such a great man. What a joy to participate in the 1ooo Dates Across the States. (Thanks for the coffee Kathi!)

No Remedy

I was listening to my favorite pandora station today a song from my past came rushing to the front of my mind, bringing back the daydreams of my teenage years. I was doing the dishes, elbow deep in warm soapy water, and a choke suddenly caught in my throat and tears welled up in my eyes.

:: I had always dreamed of finding a love so deep as this song portrays ::

:: I can see myself ::

:: sitting on the side of my bed hearing her words pour over me ::

:: I sat there picturing the love of my life as I walk down the aisle in a beautiful white dress::

I wasn't sure at first why I was so emotional. I tried to keep singing, but my voice sweaked as I barely whispered the lyrics.

There's no remedy for love, nothing can change the way I feel, I'm hopelessy head over heals for worse or for better. There's no remedy for love, but I'd have it no other way, the symptoms are clear I'm yours for now and forever. There's no remedy for love.

And then I saw myself, wearing the white dress, glowing, holding my dad's arm but practically running down the isle. Surrounded by friends and family, there to witness our day.

Caught up, in the concept of your kisses, of the Mr. & the Mrs.

of the steps of life we're taking here. Oh, I'm lost in the magic and the mystery, in our own small part of history, our hearts have started making here.

And I know there'll be no cure for me, but what a sweet malady.

I love his kisses. I love being his Mrs. We are taking some big steps, and we have made seven years of beautiful history. If I'm sick then I don't want to be well.

There's no remedy for love, nothing can change the way I feel. I'm hopelessy head over heals for worse or for better. There's no remedy for love, but I'd have it no other way. The symptoms are clear I'm yours for now and forever. There's no remedy for love.

There's no remedy for love.

No remedy for love.

:: Our History ::

You Know It's Love When...

This morning after worship, my husband says to me:

"You look great! Where did you get that sweater?"

"At the thrift store"

"I was standing there thinking, 'Wow, my wife looks hot.' and then you tell me that you got it at a thrift store and it's like 'yeah baby'!"

My heart went pitter patter...gotta love a guy that loves a good shopper!

Compost

Usually women get excited about their husband taking them out to dinner, or renting a chick flick, or buying them jewelry! Me, I get excited when my husband builds me a compost pile/bin! He's recently redone the back yard and built me some "Square Foot Garden" boxes. While we haven't filled them as of yet, I am so very excited to finally have the chance to try my hand at gardening! I did this as a young child with my family, but it was truly my mom's garden. Since then, I've either been living in dorms, apartments, a duplex and finally our home with a "jungle" for a back yard!
Finally, it's my turn! Every time I peel a banana, chop the core from an apple, peel the skin off a potato, snip the ends off carrots, and crack an egg, I place these "extras" in my bucket excited for what they will eventually become: the soil to grow yummy food for my family! So, since I'm new to this, and have so much to learn, please feel free to leave comments or helpful suggestions!
Oh, and thank you dear, I love you!